How to Pack a Hoe Bag

There’s certain things one can learn as a single person that just aren’t needed in a relationship. Comedy writer and performer, Matteson Perry, details these learnings in his book: Available. I haven’t read it yet, but it sounds like the straight guy version of what I outlined in 30 for 30. So it’s probably dope.

For women, one of these single-person learnings is how to pack a hoe bag. 

Between the city, South Bay, East Bay and the mid-peninsula, the San Francisco Bay Area is really spread out. Public transit stops running after midnight and after a long night of hoe-ing, it can be hard to get home unless you drop over $50 bucks on a Lyft. Spending the night becomes an economic decision; too many “hit it and quit it” scenarios would be cost prohibitive. 

I have student loans and don’t have any IPO money yet. Thus, it’s important to always come prepared to my dates with a hoe bag. According to Urban Dictionary, a hoe bag is “A physical bag that a hoe will carry with them most of the time.”

This entry is from 2007, so I’ll just ignore the rest of it. Based on the choice in expletives and hashtags, JackClifto seems to hate women who have sex. He’s probably an incel by now.

I don’t always know what direction an evening will take, or if a sexual encounter will even occur. Therefore, my hoe bag has to be indiscernible from a regular going out purse; it can’t be obvious I premeditated hooking up and staying over. That would be very presumptuous and unladylike. 

As such, a hoe bag must be small. Think I got a smaller version of this from Target.

So what’s in my hoe bag? I’ve learned to pack only what I deem the bare necessities:

1. Birth control

Courtesy: MedicineNet

I’ve been on birth control since I was 16 for a hormonal condition, well before I became sexually active. While contraception methods like IUDs or inserts are far more effective in preventing pregnancy, I still need to take the pills. As an added benefit, having it on hand also seems like it brings peace of mind to the guy.

2. Contact Lens Case

Sleeping in contacts has all kinds of health risks, so I try to take mine out every night unless I pass out drunk on my bed or something. I don’t pack glasses because they make me look like Asian Velma from Scooby Doo.

Pro Tip: Fill the case with contact solution before heading out. This saves space on needing to pack a travel size bottle of solution.

3. Q-tips

Available on Amazon

With my high-key insecurities about my appearance, I don’t usually take my makeup off when I’m shacking. But eye makeup can get smudgy and require cleanup, especially after bedroom stuff. To save space, I don’t pack any makeup remover, even for just touch ups. I find the guy usually has some lotion or conditioner in the bathroom, which works in a pinch to remove any emergent raccoon eyes.

4. Foundation

Available at Ulta

I use this travel size tube of my favorite full coverage C.C. Cream. Concealer would probably work as well. This is to touch up anything I sweat off in bed to cover undereye circles (which would make me look old) and zits.

5. Lip Stick

Photo courtesy of Dids from Pexel

Tinted balm is versatile, but I favor dark matte shades because they make my teeth look whiter. They’re probably stained because I drank a lot of cold-brew coffees while working in consulting, usually on the dime of clients I hated.

6. Vape Pen

Photo by Thorn Yang on

This is more for my peace of mind. I think of it how I imagine people take comfort in carrying a flask at a wedding. Not sure what that really has to do with spending the night, so maybe urban dictionary contributor JackClifto had a point about a hoe bag doubling as an “emergency bag”. THC: for use in case of date-related emergencies.

7. Toothbrush

This shit stays in the hoe bag. I do not leave a toothbrush at his place. I follow the same principles as outdoor ethics: Pack in, pack out #leavenotrace.

Optional items in my car include body fragrance and gum. Cueing the other senses helps make me seem cleaner than I am when I arrive to the date.

So with all that…Fellas, the very least you can do is pack a condom. 

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