It’s been over half a year since my last entry! We’re now in a global pandemic, the political climate is more screwed than ever, and I am in a relationship. It truly is the end of times.
fuck a lot of people that I would be unlikely to date.
Yea, I said it. Is this what (straight) male privilege is like? Damn, it feel good to be a gangsta.
If hoeing is like venture capital (“VC”), I see a lot of deal flow. How else who do you know who you’d take a chance on? However, “Limited upside” is a polite euphemism that investors, especially in the Bay, use to explain why they decline an investment opportunity. For both genders, the same logic could be applied for determining the viability of a potential relationship (insert some joke about the “spray and pray” strategy preferred by some VC firms). A small sampling of these gentlemen are are listed below in no particular order.
Discount Big 4: This was the peak of my cougar phase. This poor kid was still studying for the CPA exam. We got cocktails in a large retail mall in Livermore or something where teenagers still hang out on Friday night. I tried to look sympathetic when he told a story of how senior year of college he liked this girl who strung him along before choosing some other guy. I solemnly patted his knee with an “it happens”. We hooked up a few times and he taught me how kids use Snapchat these days. Dare me not to be proud.
Pizookie: We had little in common except we enjoyed weed and both thought highly of our own IQs. I also liked that he taught me how to make a Pizookie (cookie dough + ice cream, set in oven for 10 minutes while toking). Pizookie became my go to booty call because he was hot and his room was clean. One night after a failed date with some hapless guy in Oakland, I decided to cheer myself up with mozzarella sticks, as I am apt to do. As I sullenly waited for my fried cheese, I hit up Pizookie since he lived a few blocks away. I texted “do you want some stix” to which he replied “lol no wtf just come over”. He may have thought I was a moron.
Army bro: The combination of Army Bro’s mixed ethnic origins, home ownership (impossible in the Bay!) and doleful simplicity swept me off my feet. I assumed his divorcée status conferred emotional complexity. In reality, he was the type of guy to take you to a $$$ restaurant, split the bill, and politely interrupt your political ramblings over the salmon with gems like “Idk why but I just really want to fuck you”. On a subsequent date, he showed his more gentlemanly side by treating me to fried chicken after a hike with his dogs. I’m pescatarian.
Dual degree: Dual degree thought I’d be impressed with his fancy education because “You only went to Berkeley”. That night, I learned how selective his high school (Lowell) that he attended 15 years ago was. He was really turned off by my insistence that I’d consider dating someone who was not college educated because you don’t need a piece of paper to prove you’re smart. This belief may have threatened his entire identity.
NYC Fuccboi: This misguided, likeable kid was my window into the world of being a fuccboi. The drama was on par with Jersey Shore, which is to say “par excellence”. He was in a love polygon that involved him, a coworker, two women, and a felon who’d cheated on both of them. I loved this story (granted: I was stoned) but had to explain to fuccboi that he probably needed to reflect on his insecurities that gave rise to this drama. As I walked out the door the next morning, I said things would turn out okay for him, but I wouldn’t see him again. In classic fuccboi fashion, he said he’d text me to take me out for a drink sometime.
Pro-Biden: Pro Biden was a cannabis beverage “entrepreneur” who had a huge hard on for his own business and enjoyed getting me to talk shop. Legit those drinks were actually super good tho. Unfortunately, Pro Biden became unattractive the minute he opened his mouth about politics. To be clear, I don’t have a problem with people who voted for Biden in the primaries. But this guy thought Warren / Bernie was coming after his business, which was “reaching triple digit growth”. When I asked him about the ethics of pursuing an industry that previously sent many other “entrepreneurs” to prison, he replied “I hired this black kid from LA”. Pro Biden was white. I declined to open my legs on this one.
Reviewing who made this list made me think, “Wow, this isn’t even all of them.” I’m a bigger hoe than I thought. If you didn’t make the cut, congrats, you really dodged a bullet there.